§
0
Heavenly Simoleons
The place where
Why wrestle with the ordinary when you can summon the extraordinary? At Seven7th Heaven, our wizards, warlocks, and barely-licensed arcane generalists specialize in transforming your everyday problems into valuable opportunities for personal growth, financially for us yes, but also spiritually for you!
Finally, you can escape the consequences of your own actions! From clogged toilets to sentient garden gnomes drunk on nectar, we provide innovative solutions and elaborate interventions for all your problems, even if we have to play with the building blocks of reality to get there, we aim to ensure your domestic tranquility. Client satisfaction is our top priority!
You needn’t be a wizard to wield a little wonder! Our DIY Spellkits include pre-chanted components, an Illuminated Idiot’s Guide™, and a Presto-Wand for easy assembly (batteries not included). Conjure convenience, all on your own!
Times change, problems mutate, and our magic stretches to fit, sometimes literally. Our solutions adapt effortlessly, from a missing sock to a missing head, with adjustable intensity settings for “Mild,” “Bold,” and “Are You Sure?”
Why spend a mountain of Simoleons on a Brownie-sized problem? Our enchantments are designed for cheapskates... and for economically conscious geniuses like you too, delivering stellar results without astronomical fees!
Magic can be a team effort! We ensure our magic works smoothly with all magical assistants, from owls to rodents to whatever THAT is. Our services include charm-checks, mood adjustments, and carefully negotiated bribery treaties to reduce magical sabotage.
Every kit is tested with care and proudly bears the Hazard Guild's "Probably Safe™" seal. Side effects are rare, usually temporary, and may include: spontaneous combustion, a sudden craving for flesh, or briefly speaking in French.
Need help with a spell, summoning, or enchantment gone a little sideways? Our Support Warlocks are always available via the cloud (the magical one, not the wet kind). Response times may vary during sunny days.
Convert your Scrying Orb into the ultimate household remote!
Why walk across the room when destiny can be consulted from the couch? The Omni-Orb™ lets you peer, prod, and politely demand results from every enchanted device in your home. Adjust lights, invoke background music, negotiate with a very emotional dishwasher, or spy on the neighbors, all with a gentle swirl of the wrist.
Rigorously demonstrated at SimCES 2015™, the Omni-Orb™ impressed judges with its sleek glow, intuitive murmuring interface, and only minor dimensional feedback. Side effects may include dramatic lighting changes, unsolicited prophecies, and a strong sense of superiority.
Compatible with residential homes, magic towers, and most subterranean environments.
Meet our
Believes every problem can be solved with enough paperwork. If it can’t, it will at least be filed, stamped, and politely ignored.
A key associate in Physical Asset Reallocation (boxes). His five-year plan is to accumulate enough vacation days to never come back.
Martha has seen worse, whatever this is. Always exercises excellent bedside manners, provided the patient remains unconscious.
A recent merger with no exit clause. Synergy is high, boundaries are low, and all negotiations are conducted face-to-face.
Brought in as part of the company's controversial "Fresh Eyes" internship. Proposes all projects should include rocket boosters.
Specializes in acquisitions, hostile or otherwise, with a uniquely hands-on approach. Valuables move efficiently under his leadership.
Are you generally dissatisfied with what reality has to offer? Is your idea of a perfect weekend beating it down until it complies with your expectations? You sound like a weirdo, which means you just might belong here!
(You don't, we're full).
